SHE.HER.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

It's been a week since i really smile or maybe even laugh like a freak. though i have been busy doing my cny pastaries, but i wasn't least happy with myself. everytime when i bake a cake or a pastary, i'll always ask myself why do i love to do it so much. what's the purpose of me doing so much. i always thought that eating sweet stuff, the cake i baked, is a joy and happiness. but now i realised is no longer sweet and happy. last time when i always bake something for my family to eat, i always thought that they will appreciate. maybe they did. but somehow or rather is no longer that feeling of appreciation. whenever i'm not feeling good, i'll always bake a cake for myself to eat, and i every pieces of it make me feel full of happiness and sweetness. but now the taste of it has already been sour and bitter. whenever i thought i'll bake something for my family to share the happiness, but i realised they no longer love it. the joy of baking a piece of cake has been destoryed but the blindness of it overwhelmed the taste. i really wanted so much to share the taste of happiness to my family. but it was so fragile that every taste of it is thumbled and gone. i used to think that every picece of cake represent the symbol of love and happiness. every pieces of it convey a message of joy and care. but i realised even if i can bake a piece of love and happiness, the tatse of it is no longer sweet. yet the tatse of bitterness has overtaked. and all is to thrown and nothing is to linger on. well, maybe i was always the extra one. the one who don't deserve any of this. the sense of my belonging and the sense of the pastaries is to be totally destoryed.

Labels: My piece of art.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

It's been quite some time since i updated my blog. just changed my blogskins recently. hahas. lol. today i slept throughout the day and felt so good. omg. looks like a lazy pig. lol. though today is sunday and i didn't wanted to go out, but feel so restless staying at home. cause ling ling yesterday flew off to thailand le. i'm like missing her le. missing the day whereby we both hangs out together, the nights whereby we tons together, the many days whereby we slacks together, the many times whereby we have our meals together. the joy, fun, laughters, cries, ups and downs we shared. hahas(: don't know if she doing good over there. wonder if chee hao got hao hao the protect her not. i'm saying all this cause she is my truly close friend. i want her to be back safely. hehe(: beside all these, i have been feeling unhappy lately. cause of something and someone but i don't wish to talk much about it cause i realise nothing will help ease that pain. just wish that all will come to fade and happy days will come to fill.

Labels: My cries of laughter.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Past 2weeks already. and evrything is so uncertain and not confrim yet. as in the feeling i had in me is not good at all. times to times, really feel so uncertain about myself. quite a bad emotion to question myself, why i'm allowing this bad emotions to overtake my happy mood. is like going through many ups and downs. trying to figure out what's the solution to fix the puzzling heart of mine. maybe, i've let myself sink into the deepest well, that i sweared i never want to get. don't know why i'm choosing to face it. telling myself to be more sober. but, i'm getting so deadbeat out of it. people keep asking me how is it going on, but, i don't know how to explain. cause even myself is also so uncertain about it. not even sure if it continues this way, is it right? don't wanna think about it. cause feel so restless after many thoughts about it. at times, i wondered if it a true and real feeling. or is it just my feeling of unreality. maybe it's only my one side of wishful thinking. and a few times, tears start flowing unsteadily through my heart, till i'm out of energy to think anymore. i don't wanna it to be so insecure or maybe even not at the least of happy. promises can be made just like lies can be told. but once everything is spilled out of the bottle, all fairytales are over. and the days of happy is to be tear down and the days of sorrow is to be put up. i can say that this story of mine is nothing to be mention. cause end of it, all is just nothing but a lie. a show to be acted and a game to be lost.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Today, rainy and cold. it wasn't a good start today. i feel so lousy today. don't know why 同样是一个爸爸生的but differences is such a big拆别. haiiss. today before i left for school, i ask my dad for allowance but he likt took so long to take out his money lo. in the end he only give me 10bucks like what he normally do. but when comes to my sis or bro is so different lo. haiiss. i wonder if i'm really that 讨人严. maybe ba. after that when i reached school le, cause today the u magazine people got to come and interview my teacher and take pictures for the up coming christmas, so i can't bake my cheesecake today. feel so blue. i thought i can bake my cheescake to make me feel better. haaiiss. then later i went to my work place, the people over di siao siao me, i feel even worse. after that kanna abit lecture from my up-line, so it added to my down feeling. well, is for my own good la. then when i was about to board the bus, i recieved ling ling 's text, saying that she not interrested in working this job le. ask me to jia you. getting even more jia luck to my today super emotional feeling. i've been trying hard to ask her to think for her future first, but still, it doesn't work. at first when she decided not to be angry with me le after that incident, i thought everything can still be like the past. the feeling, the emotion, of having her back as friend. but i realised it wasn't the same le. i can no longer find back the same kinda feeling and emotion le. is like i have lose her forever and she had walk out from my life le. at first i thought since i joined this company, i can make more friends, socialise with new people, but at the same time, i had lost a truly close friend. and i can longer have her truly by my side le. i don't know if i have regretted ny choice of joining this company not. haiiss. suddenly, i felt a strong feeling of lonliness, a very empty feeling within my heart. is like i lost my close friend, and my sister is going to leave for australia the beginning of next year le. like people who are close to me are walking out of my life le. i really can't bear this pain nor can i hide this terrible feeling in me. haiisss. why do many changes happened after i have decided to be independent. i felt so lost and strange, like i'm a stranger to this world and this world is like a stranger to me. unpredictable of what's gonna happen next but always have the strong feeling of emptiness and lonliness. haiiss. is like totally beyond the reach of happiness, beyond the touch of warm, above the depth of fear, above the height of lonliness. will all these come to fade? or will these stay to remain? haiiss. i can no longer contain my tears of fear, my joy of laughter.

Labels: My down feeling.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Today, it was my bad start of a day. at first everything was fine, till a sudden explosion of my parents quarrelling, i was unforunately place into the picture and i was scolded for no reasons. in the end i couldn't get any money from my dad. feel so innocent to get invovle. when i left the house i answered ling ling's call, and broke down into tears. haiiss. she comforted me and i met her shortly after that. then i went with ling ling to her part-time work place to join a grouping and a briefing. though the whole afternoon was quite a boredoom. feel so tired, shagg and sian but while waiting for ling ling, their are people over there who will talk to me, tell with me some lame jokes and share with me their life experiences. it took like quite long to finish the whole afternoon activities. after that around 6plus7 like that we went bowling at east coast park. it was fun and enjoyable. cause it's a split team competition between all of us. i was in wen jie team, whereas ling ling was in bryan team. though we wasn't the winning team but we put in much effort and joyfulness to play it well. overall, our team, though ended the last, cause our bowling lane was kinda jam and slow. but we did beat bryan team. by about a few more points more. and is like i was the last in my team to play and really i ended the last among all to bowl. hehe(: everyone was like starring at me. so awakard. so my ball was like went so sangai. omg. but, well, i hit a overall score of 80. and i think i did quite okay la. hahas(: lastly, we went mac to sit down and makan, chitt chatting, like noisy birds. lol(: okay la. it ended around 11plus, then we all head home sweet home. thanks to hui chin cause he send the few of us home. hehe(: i truly can say with my true feeling that these people that are also about all at most the same age as me and ling ling, was really nice and good people who treated us damm super nice and good. really thanks them lots. i felt so blessed to have known them. arigatou(:

Labels: My emo day.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I guess it's really over for me le. just when i have decided to start anew. really learn well my bakery. but i think i haven even started, already going to end le. i really feel so useless lo. is this what i should get since i started playing with fire. haiiss. when in times of trouble i thought i could find someone to help, but i realised when i flip into my phonebook, no one i can turn to. haiiss. then when i turn to my sister, she also couldn't help me. or maybe she don't wish to be implicted into my problem. i really don't know what should i do now. since months ago, i have the strong feeling that i'm about to say sayonara le. everyday, i have the bad feeling within me that soon i'm gonna go and leave. but don't know to where i'm heading to. i wonder if this will be last blog. suddenly, so miss my beloved grandma. memories of her holding my hand and telling me to be brave, cause she will be with me through no matter what i face, but i realised since the day she had left, i should not rely on her anymore. i really feel so apologetic against her, felt that i had truly let her down. i don't know if i should just leave and go somewhere else that i should, cause i don't feel the sense of belonging here. cause i have the strong feeling, that my parents no longer can tolerate me, and somehow, one day, they will just ask me to go and never come back le. frankly saying, i'm really afraid of being left alone and cannot be with my family anymore. but i know that one day this will really happen and i got to leave. i don't wish to wait for them to ask me to leave, i would ather i leave at my own accord. omg. i feel so stressful staying in this family, everyday i hear my parents quarrel, i hear my mother keeps complaining to me about my maid. my dad keep telling me that my mum is crazy and can't stand her anymore and she should go dei or go mental hospital. then my sister also busy with her own life. everyone in my family seems to be all on their own. everytime when i got trouble or unhappy things i wanna share but i couldn't share with any of them. sometimes, i really think about it over and over again, why do i always put friendship as first, the most precious and important thing in my life, above all else. even, when i thought i could turn to my friends, but all also got to keep their boyfriends accompany, none i can turn to. cause even if i tell them they also can't do anything to help me. they only can tell me not to be sad or cry. they are all just so busy with their own life too. whenever i'm back home, regardless from school or outside, i just feel that they don't need me le. and my purpose of living here is cause i need food and lodging. sounds like i'm a dog. need someone to take care. should i just leave and go somewhere else whereby, i won't be a burden to anyone. i feel so worn out by all that i'm facing right now. i think that if i'm really gone, no longer here, they all will feel very happy. hehe(: i think its a fact.

Labels: My last ending.