i reali appreciate de time we spent together as a clique of frens for de past two days. dear dearest frens, eu all are such lovely, funky, cracky, bunch of frens, who can laugh, play, joke and haf funs altogether. i reali lovve eu peeps lots. spending times wid eu peeps are an enjoyable nite and day spent. we laugh lky some ah siao, tok lky some ah ma, joke lky some gi la, serious chat lky some smartiiee freaks.
wondering sometimes, if we do realise tat we are actuali doing tink tat we want to enjoy de proccess more den de ending of it. well, i guess, eu peeps are reali true frens who can haf lots of craziness together. i nvr once thot tat i wud be so pai kia, hehe :) i reali haf lots of funs when i ton wid eu peeps and when we rot, slp, play, watch tv, chattiin, so super shiok. cuz we are frens. thankss lots. will rmrb de days and times we had together. lovveship will bring our frenship through all obstacles. we rock and roll de world. frenship=10x10000lovve. take acre peeps. lovve lots. miss ya. see yeah:)
i guess i'm being a foolish gal in tis earth. for i used to tink giving more is better den i recieve more. but now i finally realised tat it was all my stupidily way of illusions. i thot tat by giving in to popl around mii is a blessings to others and doing gd to myself. well, i guess, i was thinking wrongly, i've been giving ore den i can afford le. i alwayss enjoy scraficing myself for others, treating them to diff meals, and buying things for them. i thot i was being generous, kind and friendly.
but i didn't noe tat it doesn't pay gd to be so gd. they took it for granted, not appreciating wad i've done to give them the happiness i can't haf. i feel reali very tired being a super gd gal. i wud rather be a bad gal from now onwards. for wadeva i've done so far, had make mii live life even more miserable. i reali thot being a gd gal can live life better, but never to noe, to my horror, it was never too gd. well, i guess, i was reali super toot, retard to realise tat i've been use of my kindness. i alwayss tell myself not to bother even if they say thank-you or appreciate mii. but it hurts mii alots when i tried so hard to do my part, yet, popl repay mii tis way. i just don noe wad sud i do, to make myself felt in place wid tis world?
how sud i tell myself tat i sud put it all to an end? tis life of game is getting tiring each day pass. popl don see how wonderful or great eu are through ur apperance, they recognise eu by how generous and kind eu can offer to them. they are all fake popl. who oly wan to gain more benefit den to rmrb someone's kindness. i reali don noe why do i live life so torturous? trying to make those popl around mii so blessed, but yet to felt blessed myself? i reali meant to be gd to them, but they took advantage of wad i can afford. to realise tis when things are way too far to mend. i guess, my foolishness haf pass, and all lies haf been discovered. for nothing can hide under de light of a lonely shadow. no matter how hard all lies are trying hide from a fragile heart, is so impossible. there is a saying tat says: once eu sin a lie, eu goto find excuses to round up the next lie of a deciful heart. can't imagine i was a fool for years. gito wake up from nightmare. ending de life tat sud not be in tis manner. for i'm totally lost in de wilderness. tears overflowing. heart bleeding.
I thought she will make it. I know she has been suffering for quite a long period of time. But still I can’t bear to let go of her. She has always been with us through all difficulties. Those times we need her badly, she will be there. But now she gone, I really don’t know what to do. I used to tell myself don’t care what will others say about me. No matter how poor my studies is, I will remind myself that though it is so but my purpose of fighting this life of mine is for the sake of my grandma. Because she is the one who paid for all my educational fees. Without her financial help, I wouldn’t have learned so many things in this world.
I would not even know what is the basic abc. I really want her back in my life. I can’t afford to live without her, is not for the sake of her money. But is for the sake of her precious love she cares upon me and my sister. I do not know my purpose of living now, cause she is gone in my eyes forever. I am afraid to go through this again, because 2 years back, someone who also truly love and cares for me pass away too. They are the only two person in this world who truly love me with their whole heart. I don’t wish to experience this unbearable pain and hurt again.
I knew she was bearing all the suffering in her, and if she will to go to Jesus after her death, it will be a release for her. But as for me and the rest will all feel extremely pain and hurt. I don’t wanna say goodbye to her. Cause, if I say goodbye to her, I will never have the chance to talk to her anymore. I even told myself that I learn how to say a few words of Techow and communicate with her. Yesterday when I heard she pass away, I really can’t believe what I heard. But as confirm by my uncle, at that moment I paused and cried my soul out. I really wish I can immediately run to her and hug her or even just hold her hands. I will feel contented and that I know she can feel my presence with her.
I even planned that I will go to the hospital to visit her straight after school, but then it was all too late already. I regretted not saying thank you and sorry to her. I really want her to be by my side till I grow up as an adult. I thought I could be able to cherish her for a longer time. But time don’t give in. Sorry grandma, I love you forever, I will miss you always. Peace be with you as you leave this world.
