today. is a start of a new week. feel so lost and fearful. cause like walking aimlessly in the crowd. don't know why i feel so lost. haiiss..last friday i went to drink at the pub with my friends. feeling so moody. so i drank quite alot. cups after cups. though at first i got caught up with a high mood, but after all, i got a little sai sai. cause i puked quite..yucks! after drinking so much, i still feel so bottled up inside. haiiss..don't know why still can't get it off me. maybe i need some time ba. recently, i got so upset, cause flashback of my grandma images hit my broken heart. suddenly thought of her again. her caring hand, her loving eyes. don't know why i keep seeing her, the memories of her telling me to be brave when i was at the operating theatre keep flashing back. maybe cause i'm feeling down recently so i keep seeing all these flashback memories ba. really till now still misses her so much. but i know she will always be kept in my heart. dear grandma, no matter where you are, i'll always love you. sorry for me being such a useless grandchild. but thanks for your unfailing love. haiiss.Labels: she here but gone.
finally woke up after a long 12hours slept. feel so restless and got abit of headache. cause i think i slept too much le. haiiss. i think i didn't wanted to wake up early cause my brain will start to think about unhappy stuff. haiiss. but maybe no matter how i allow myself to not get sober, i will still feel so troubled. cause yesterday, i left home at around 8plus to meet ling, sl, and darren. but cause ling need to pei sl go bugis do something first so i got to wait for them for quite awhile before we can meet up. then ling ask me to call darren to come meet me first so that i won't rot alone. at that time earlier on darren also got ask guan hua to come also. but cause she didn't really wanted to go paris park so in the end she say she maybe coming only. so i told them guan hua say maybe coming only then they all say okay lo. but 2minute later darren suddenly say he not coming le and apologise. at that time i suddenly feel so shagg and sad. cause is like i'm already outside waiting for everyone to come but so last minute he say his friends jio him go play majohg so got no choice but to ps us. actually i was really damm pissed off lei. but i noe that no matter how angry i am also cannot change the fact that he won't be joining us. so in the end i just went to find ling and sl to slack and find something to do for the night. but it was quite a boring night. haiiss. but darren did called quite a few time to ask where are we, who are we with and what we are doing. he seems very apologetic and concern for us. actually at that time, i wasn't that angry le but don't know why i just feel so pissed cause of some hidden reasons. well, i can't guess what the truth la. haiiss. then i did text darren cause i was at that time quite pissed off. but he replied me as in he said to me, i've already apologised to you guys why must we make our friendsip so fragile and why must we give him that kinda fucking attitude. so i replied him that is you that causes our friendship to be so fragile. but still, in the end we both decided not to quarrel over this issue le. but till now he didn't text me nor reply my msg. i feel so lost and confused by the lies which seems to be the truth. haiiss. i don't know what i should do to calm my uneased heart. maybe only he know the truth but not me. haiiss.Labels: the truth i don't know. lies.
today, when i woke up, i felt so helpless and lifeless. don't know why i feel that i'm falling deeper into a confusion state. a state that i don't know why are my emotions overtaking my happy mood. i just can't help it. i keep telling myself that is pointless thinking of what gonna hurt or what gonna be happy. just like regardless is it a truth or lie. it shouldn't really bother me. but still, i just can't take it easy on myself. trying and searching for the true answer to my confusing heart. maybe is my foolishness to brood over it for too long. i guess i'm not brave enough to take up the courage to know that all is a lie. a beautiful lie that round up the ugly truth. i feel so unhappy and confused. cause i got to choose between her answer and his answer to believe the truth. but seriously, it take me great pains to realise that nothing is true, only lies. i don't wanna go think about who is telling me the truth le. i just want to be alone and think nothing. sounds emo. but shall not drag on. haiiss.Labels: an ugly truth a beautiful lie.
it's been quite some time since i last blogged. today i got a mixed up feeling. don't know why are my tears flowing unsteadily. i just feel so lost and no strength. many a times ling told me that crying don't help even if i feel so lousy. but sometimes i saw her crying too then, i'll ask her the same thing does crying help, she just keep silent and let her tears flows. maybe is just human nature that we do cry at times when things ain't going smoothly for us. i keep telling myself that if i don't cry, i will feel more worse and terrible keeping all my mixed feeling in me. but when i cry, my tears ain't flowing steadily. like is so hard to cry out. today when i was out with ling, qin and sl, we played bowling, then i lost. and i just feel like crying suddenly. don't know why but cause recently my feeling got mixed up and at the verge of breaking down i cried when we were eating pasta mania. then they all tried to cheer me up, but i just feel so sad and i don't know why only a few drops of tears flow. but still, feeling down, so ling and qin ask sl to call me lai lai to cheer me up. sounds weird. but when sl call me lai lai, i started laughing cause qin started laughing then i got influnence by her laughter. but as times goes by, when we go singing at teo heng, i sang the song i always sing with ling, and truly sad song touches a broken heart, i did cried but just that few precious drops. i really feel so stressed up by my confusions and heart cracks. maybe i'm running away from reality, the fact to face my situation bravely, but i just can't take up the courage. i thought i could learn to be stronger but my broken heart is pulling me down to the point whereby, i can't take it anymore. i really want to make myself feel numbless. so that i don't brood over the pain or maybe just fall into unconsious state. i hope soon, i can be strong, stay happy, move on and be independent. i don't wish to fall back into my past where hurts overtake and my life seems so lifeless and meaningless. i guess i can take it hard so that whatever i'm gonna face in future will allow me to face it strong and brave. though it's gonna be a hard fight but i guess i can face it better than before. alright la. during these times of cries and pains, i'm glad that my friends are there for me. they really means alot to me. love you gfs and guys. shall not drag on le, sounds moody and blue le. take care my beloved friends. Labels: falling back into nighhtmare.
