Today, i have a mixture of sad feeling. don't know why it hurts till my tears are at the verge of flowing yet hard to cry out. many things happened this year and i'm still hanging on. trying my best to find a way to hide these emotions and bad feeling. maybe my foolishness had past me once again but i know that no matter how i tried to hide, its all a failure. in the past i used to be very disobident and naughty, always doing the opposite of what my parents and relatives wanted me to be or do. and i always never failed to get their attention and always kanna scolding. soon, they lost their trust in me and i no this won't work anymore. as times go by, i realised that i need to change for the better and work for the better. but no matter how hard i tried, all turns out to be another hurtful experience. when i look at back at the times when i fight to do my way, i struggled alot. thought those times were hard and painful, but i realised it was worthwhile. yet now when i starting to learn to be guai, trying to be a better gal, it seems to be worse for me. even if i tried to defence myself, no one seems to care or believe. even today i was accused of something i didn't do but no matter how i tried to defence for myself, i was sentenced to be gulity. i really don't know if i should learn to be good. when i was bad i always kanna scolding but when i was learninbg to be good i was identified as bad too. also kanna scolding. it took me great courage to change for a better yet was not given a chance. i really feel so stressed up. all the surrounding seems to be lying to me, they seems to be hating me for things which i didn't do. though they always say that they love me yet their actions only shows that they hate me. if this is what they call love then i would rathere not be love. to me this love is like an expired can, onmce the date is due, is being thrown away. can never be replace by a new one cause is no longer the same taste. sometimes, i really hate myself for not being the right gal for them. they always say i gonly give them troubles and i'm just a trouble to them. even if i were to be gone they will still think that i'm a trouble to be get rid. i do not know what is the point of changing for the better, even if i were to change cause for myself but still, it will only bring hurt to me. an unbearable hurt to bear. times i thoght if i were to be gone will it better for those around me, so that they can stop hating me. when i think of how much they used declared they love me it only make me resent it even more. when they scold me and awhile later they comfort me, it just badly hurt and i'm really hurt. every time i fall and try to pick myself up, i just feel so tired and wanted to be left alone there. don't wanna get push to the ground painfully again. each time i bleed and i leave those drop of blood back behind my footsteps, i feel those pain haunting me down the rest of my life. when i recall the past, it remind me of how fearful can one say love and its a painful lie. something which is meant to be beautiful, but shattered into pieces of flakes. i don't know what i should do now. facing all these brings me tearful smiles and painful memories. if i can love i will never want to love again. i don't want to hear these scary lies again. if i can lost all my memories, i would only want to remember what is hate and how to hate. cause nothing makes my heart feel secure and happy. lies and promises are hopes that are unrelistic. fake smiles and horrifying love are a fatal blow to a fragile heart. all are withering and my heart beat is stopping for the last cries. living in a world captured by darkness. if i can go back to time i want to die at the day of my operation and end all these lies of fanasty. now even if i change its no longer my best, cause even crying is my fault, even all that i do is wrong. this time i should really let go and not cling onto it. cause it only bring hurts and pain to those around me and myself. do i still have the right to cry. all even faults are at me. love is just hate to be detest. truly sorry to let those who love me down. my sorries are insincere too. ?
Labels: lies after lies.
