my pinky land

My times of emotions.

2010-02-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since i really smile or maybe even laugh like a freak. though i have been busy doing my cny pastaries, but i wasn't least happy with myself. everytime when i bake a cake or a pastary, i'll always ask myself why do i love to do it so much. what's the purpose of me doing so much. i always thought that eating sweet stuff, the cake i baked, is a joy and happiness. but now i realised is no longer sweet and happy. last time when i always bake something for my family to eat, i always thought that they will appreciate. maybe they did. but somehow or rather is no longer that feeling of appreciation. whenever i'm not feeling good, i'll always bake a cake for myself to eat, and i every pieces of it make me feel full of happiness and sweetness. but now the taste of it has already been sour and bitter. whenever i thought i'll bake something for my family to share the happiness, but i realised they no longer love it. the joy of baking a piece of cake has been destoryed but the blindness of it overwhelmed the taste. i really wanted so much to share the taste of happiness to my family. but it was so fragile that every taste of it is thumbled and gone. i used to think that every picece of cake represent the symbol of love and happiness. every pieces of it convey a message of joy and care. but i realised even if i can bake a piece of love and happiness, the tatse of it is no longer sweet. yet the tatse of bitterness has overtaked. and all is to thrown and nothing is to linger on. well, maybe i was always the extra one. the one who don't deserve any of this. the sense of my belonging and the sense of the pastaries is to be totally destoryed.

My joy of tears.

2010-01-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

It's been quite some time since i updated my blog. just changed my blogskins recently. hahas. lol. today i slept throughout the day and felt so good. omg. looks like a lazy pig. lol. though today is sunday and i didn't wanted to go out, but feel so restless staying at home. cause ling ling yesterday flew off to thailand le. i'm like missing her le. missing the day whereby we both hangs out together, the nights whereby we tons together, the many days whereby we slacks together, the many times whereby we have our meals together. the joy, fun, laughters, cries, ups and downs we shared. hahas(: don't know if she doing good over there. wonder if chee hao got hao hao the protect her not. i'm saying all this cause she is my truly close friend. i want her to be back safely. hehe(: beside all these, i have been feeling unhappy lately. cause of something and someone but i don't wish to talk much about it cause i realise nothing will help ease that pain. just wish that all will come to fade and happy days will come to fill.

My ups and downs.

2010-01-04T05:19:00.002-08:00

Past 2weeks already. and evrything is so uncertain and not confrim yet. as in the feeling i had in me is not good at all. times to times, really feel so uncertain about myself. quite a bad emotion to question myself, why i'm allowing this bad emotions to overtake my happy mood. is like going through many ups and downs. trying to figure out what's the solution to fix the puzzling heart of mine. maybe, i've let myself sink into the deepest well, that i sweared i never want to get. don't know why i'm choosing to face it. telling myself to be more sober. but, i'm getting so deadbeat out of it. people keep asking me how is it going on, but, i don't know how to explain. cause even myself is also so uncertain about it. not even sure if it continues this way, is it right? don't wanna think about it. cause feel so restless after many thoughts about it. at times, i wondered if it a true and real feeling. or is it just my feeling of unreality. maybe it's only my one side of wishful thinking. and a few times, tears start flowing unsteadily through my heart, till i'm out of energy to think anymore. i don't wanna it to be so insecure or maybe even not at the least of happy. promises can be made just like lies can be told. but once everything is spilled out of the bottle, all fairytales are over. and the days of happy is to be tear down and the days of sorrow is to be put up. i can say that this story of mine is nothing to be mention. cause end of it, all is just nothing but a lie. a show to be acted and a game to be lost.

My d

2010-01-04T05:19:00.001-08:00

My blue day.

2009-11-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today, rainy and cold. it wasn't a good start today. i feel so lousy today. don't know why 同样是一个爸爸生的but differences is such a big拆别. haiiss. today before i left for school, i ask my dad for allowance but he likt took so long to take out his money lo. in the end he only give me 10bucks like what he normally do. but when comes to my sis or bro is so different lo. haiiss. i wonder if i'm really that 讨人严. maybe ba. after that when i reached school le, cause today the u magazine people got to come and interview my teacher and take pictures for the up coming christmas, so i can't bake my cheesecake today. feel so blue. i thought i can bake my cheescake to make me feel better. haaiiss. then later i went to my work place, the people over di siao siao me, i feel even worse. after that kanna abit lecture from my up-line, so it added to my down feeling. well, is for my own good la. then when i was about to board the bus, i recieved ling ling 's text, saying that she not interrested in working this job le. ask me to jia you. getting even more jia luck to my today super emotional feeling. i've been trying hard to ask her to think for her future first, but still, it doesn't work. at first when she decided not to be angry with me le after that incident, i thought everything can still be like the past. the feeling, the emotion, of having her back as friend. but i realised it wasn't the same le. i can no longer find back the same kinda feeling and emotion le. is like i have lose her forever and she had walk out from my life le. at first i thought since i joined this company, i can make more friends, socialise with new people, but at the same time, i had lost a truly close friend. and i can longer have her truly by my side le. i don't know if i have regretted ny choice of joining this company not. haiiss. suddenly, i felt a strong feeling of lonliness, a very empty feeling within my heart. is like i lost my close friend, and my sister is going to leave for australia the beginning of next year le. like people who are close to me are walking out of my life le. i really can't bear this pain nor can i hide this terrible feeling in me. haiisss. why do many changes happened after i have decided to be independent. i felt so lost and strange, like i'm a stranger to this world and this world is like a stranger to me. unpredictable of what's gonna happen next but always have the strong feeling of emptiness and lonliness. haiiss. is like totally beyond the reach of happiness, beyond the touch of warm, above the depth of fear, above the height of lonliness. will all these come to fade? or will these stay to remain? haiiss. i can no longer contain my tears of fear, my joy of laughter.

My empty feeling.

2009-11-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Today, it was my bad start of a day. at first everything was fine, till a sudden explosion of my parents quarrelling, i was unforunately place into the picture and i was scolded for no reasons. in the end i couldn't get any money from my dad. feel so innocent to get invovle. when i left the house i answered ling ling's call, and broke down into tears. haiiss. she comforted me and i met her shortly after that. then i went with ling ling to her part-time work place to join a grouping and a briefing. though the whole afternoon was quite a boredoom. feel so tired, shagg and sian but while waiting for ling ling, their are people over there who will talk to me, tell with me some lame jokes and share with me their life experiences. it took like quite long to finish the whole afternoon activities. after that around 6plus7 like that we went bowling at east coast park. it was fun and enjoyable. cause it's a split team competition between all of us. i was in wen jie team, whereas ling ling was in bryan team. though we wasn't the winning team but we put in much effort and joyfulness to play it well. overall, our team, though ended the last, cause our bowling lane was kinda jam and slow. but we did beat bryan team. by about a few more points more. and is like i was the last in my team to play and really i ended the last among all to bowl. hehe(: everyone was like starring at me. so awakard. so my ball was like went so sangai. omg. but, well, i hit a overall score of 80. and i think i did quite okay la. hahas(: lastly, we went mac to sit down and makan, chitt chatting, like noisy birds. lol(: okay la. it ended around 11plus, then we all head home sweet home. thanks to hui chin cause he send the few of us home. hehe(: i truly can say with my true feeling that these people that are also about all at most the same age as me and ling ling, was really nice and good people who treated us damm super nice and good. really thanks them lots. i felt so blessed to have known them. arigatou(:

My bad coming.

2009-10-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

I guess it's really over for me le. just when i have decided to start anew. really learn well my bakery. but i think i haven even started, already going to end le. i really feel so useless lo. is this what i should get since i started playing with fire. haiiss. when in times of trouble i thought i could find someone to help, but i realised when i flip into my phonebook, no one i can turn to. haiiss. then when i turn to my sister, she also couldn't help me. or maybe she don't wish to be implicted into my problem. i really don't know what should i do now. since months ago, i have the strong feeling that i'm about to say sayonara le. everyday, i have the bad feeling within me that soon i'm gonna go and leave. but don't know to where i'm heading to. i wonder if this will be last blog. suddenly, so miss my beloved grandma. memories of her holding my hand and telling me to be brave, cause she will be with me through no matter what i face, but i realised since the day she had left, i should not rely on her anymore. i really feel so apologetic against her, felt that i had truly let her down. i don't know if i should just leave and go somewhere else that i should, cause i don't feel the sense of belonging here. cause i have the strong feeling, that my parents no longer can tolerate me, and somehow, one day, they will just ask me to go and never come back le. frankly saying, i'm really afraid of being left alone and cannot be with my family anymore. but i know that one day this will really happen and i got to leave. i don't wish to wait for them to ask me to leave, i would ather i leave at my own accord. omg. i feel so stressful staying in this family, everyday i hear my parents quarrel, i hear my mother keeps complaining to me about my maid. my dad keep telling me that my mum is crazy and can't stand her anymore and she should go dei or go mental hospital. then my sister also busy with her own life. everyone in my family seems to be all on their own. everytime when i got trouble or unhappy things i wanna share but i couldn't share with any of them. sometimes, i really think about it over and over again, why do i always put friendship as first, the most precious and important thing in my life, above all else. even, when i thought i could turn to my friends, but all also got to keep their boyfriends accompany, none i can turn to. cause even if i tell them they also can't do anything to help me. they only can tell me not to be sad or cry. they are all just so busy with their own life too. whenever i'm back home, regardless from school or outside, i just feel that they don't need me le. and my purpose of living here is cause i need food and lodging. sounds like i'm a dog. need someone to take care. should i just leave and go somewhere else whereby, i won't be a burden to anyone. i feel so worn out by all that i'm facing right now. i think that if i'm really gone, no longer here, they all will feel very happy. hehe(: i think its a fact.

I love my beloved ones.

2009-10-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

My beloved ones and all that had been with me through many diffculties, loving them with my lifetime to come. i'm afraid that i do not have much time left to love all that i wanted to love so much. just wanna tell them that how much i love them and wanna share with them all the sweetness i have with me. they are so dear and precious to me. here, i want to say a big 'THANK YOU' to my mummy and daddy, though i don't even really communicate with them nor share anything with them. but if i don't say it now how much i do love them i scare one day it be too late already. being the eldest at home, i also wanna say how much i really really love my sister and brother. everytime my sister will buy nice things and share with me. she will always talk to me about life principal and sometimes share with me about her life stories. my brother will always help me take things, help me do things. but what i like most about him is he like to sa qiao in front of me, he is most afraid of dark and ah piao. so most of the time he will always want to come to my room and sleep. he will feel very safe sleeping in my room. and he everyday will give me hug hug amd say goodnight to me before he sleep. i really love my brother and sister. they are the most important people in my life. and greatfully, i wanna say i 'LOVE AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. i won't whan'to lose them one day, cuz if i will to ever lose them i will surely cried till my eyes balls drop. hehe(: the another love ones i cherished the most are my beloved friends, they have been through with me thick and cold. overcoming every obsactles in my life. they will there with me when i needed a shoulder to cry on and share with me whether sad or happy. they will also give me much care and concern. truly i wanna say i 'LOVE YOU PEEPS ALOTS'. and also my beloved cousin who stood by me whenever i'm down or feeling blue. i wanna tell you how much i do 'CHERISH AND LOVE YOU'. no matter the skies are bright or dark, cloudy or stormy, i will never forget this one and only 'LOVE' we shared. hopes, dreams and wishes, may this piece of 'LOVE' we shared will stay as strong as the thunder strike and we'll never fall apart. thank you to all my beloved love ones. may my everyday be filled with many many slpendidful of sweetness and love to flow upon all my loved ones.

Not a happy start.

2009-10-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Everything seems just like it happened not long ago. it seems just like few days had past gone only. wonder why God choose to take him with him suddenly. a child like him who is about to start his adulthood soon. when i went to his funeral today with my friends, i saw him lying there peacefully. i felt sad at that time, and tears drop slowly from my eyes. my friends cried too. is was such a sudden and shock to many of us. it felts like a joke but nothing like this can be a joke to joke about. is serious and shocking. life is so fragile. no one can predict what will happen in the next second, minute, hour or day. must learn to cherish everything or beloved ones around us before all is to late to regret. maybe everything is to fragile to decide what will happen next. but i know that one day, somewhere over the rainbow, we will all be called home. and no matter what will happen next in our life, God will be with us through. i believe that he is already home with God. haiiss..the day to be fulfilled, the life to be cherished.

flashback of grandma images.

2009-07-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

today. is a start of a new week. feel so lost and fearful. cause like walking aimlessly in the crowd. don't know why i feel so lost. haiiss..last friday i went to drink at the pub with my friends. feeling so moody. so i drank quite alot. cups after cups. though at first i got caught up with a high mood, but after all, i got a little sai sai. cause i puked quite..yucks! after drinking so much, i still feel so bottled up inside. haiiss..don't know why still can't get it off me. maybe i need some time ba. recently, i got so upset, cause flashback of my grandma images hit my broken heart. suddenly thought of her again. her caring hand, her loving eyes. don't know why i keep seeing her, the memories of her telling me to be brave when i was at the operating theatre keep flashing back. maybe cause i'm feeling down recently so i keep seeing all these flashback memories ba. really till now still misses her so much. but i know she will always be kept in my heart. dear grandma, no matter where you are, i'll always love you. sorry for me being such a useless grandchild. but thanks for your unfailing love. haiiss.

yesterday and today.

2009-07-07T10:28:00.001-07:00

since last night, i was feeling so up and down. don't know why i feel so happy ba after heaing his answer. actually i guess i was hiding my emotions or maybe just can't face it brave. since last night till now, is already 2days and i didn't even cry. don't know why, but just can't. i was so upset though i've been searching for his answer very long le. okay la. cause he say he don't think we can still be friends le. why our friendship turn sour lei? for the past week, everyting was alright. nothing happen till it hurts. but cause of a word trust causes our friendship to be totally destroyed. he say he think that we all need sometime to cool down. but actually, we have already not angry with him le nor did we bear grudges against him. but i guess, he must had feel hurt when we 3 say him. i didn't wanted to say much about that incident le, nor say him much but i guess that time the heat of scolding came rushing in when ling and sl also feel angry. but i did thought of what if i really say those things to him, will he get hurt or angry. but, it's too late le. i feel so apologetic against my actions. sorry if i've hurt you by those harsh words. i never once say all that to my friends. really feel so bad. if only he knew that those words wasn't meant to hurt. i guess, my apology came too late le. haiiss. my heart is over burdened right now. so just now we went paris park, i shouted out all my bad feelings. i hope i can feel better, but i can't. this pain is killing me. maybe one day, i learn to let go le and the pain will cease ba. God knows?

happy lies and sad truths

2009-07-06T06:24:00.001-07:00

today, i didn't go school cause i was not in a mood for baking and stuff. jut want to find a place to allow myself to calm down and not think of any unhappy things. so i went checkup with ling, sl and her mum at sgh. later we all went lunch together at chinatown. my mood was very down so didn't laugh or smile much. but later i decided to meet qin, shortly syl and wei long join in. i pei qin and syl go eat kfc at eastpoint. then we went qin hse to play cards. after that we went ah gong house to play majohg. i and wei long came out with a few stupid rules. like 1st loser got to keep the majohg table and chairs. 2nd loser got to keep the majohg titles. 3rd loser got to clear away the foods and rubbish we left. then the winner get to do nothing and relax. sounds lame but we did enjoy the process. lol. haiiss. another thing that i'm going through recently is, finally, i saw ling walk out of the past, moving ahead, starting afresh. though i'm happy but abit sad at the same time. cause i know sl is wooing her and things seems to be going smoothly for the both of them. but if they are really together then ling will have lesser time to keep me accompany. but i'm truly happy for her cause finally she can be able to find a guy she can rely on. i really wish for her to find her own happiness and i don't want to always cling onto her even if i'm alone most of the time. thhough last time when she always sad and alone, i always go pei her but things don't always work the same. haiiss. life seems to be many ups and downs. soon, she's going to start off a new relationship but as for me, i got to just face it strong. i'm not too sure when will i be able to be like her, having her own happiness but i think only God knows. hahas. qin and wei long, shumin and joey, ling and sl ba, couples. sian. i really feel so helpless. don't know how to help myself to get up from my fall, a fall that hurts till i got no strength to get up. i feel so mixed up, so angry with myself. why do i always hurt myself. maybe i'm a downright fool. can't tell between the truths and lies. maybe cause i'm a liar ba. always tell lies. so is my turn to taste what lies is all about. who knows what is my ending? God knows?

trusting you takes courage.

2009-07-05T05:18:00.001-07:00

finally woke up after a long 12hours slept. feel so restless and got abit of headache. cause i think i slept too much le. haiiss. i think i didn't wanted to wake up early cause my brain will start to think about unhappy stuff. haiiss. but maybe no matter how i allow myself to not get sober, i will still feel so troubled. cause yesterday, i left home at around 8plus to meet ling, sl, and darren. but cause ling need to pei sl go bugis do something first so i got to wait for them for quite awhile before we can meet up. then ling ask me to call darren to come meet me first so that i won't rot alone. at that time earlier on darren also got ask guan hua to come also. but cause she didn't really wanted to go paris park so in the end she say she maybe coming only. so i told them guan hua say maybe coming only then they all say okay lo. but 2minute later darren suddenly say he not coming le and apologise. at that time i suddenly feel so shagg and sad. cause is like i'm already outside waiting for everyone to come but so last minute he say his friends jio him go play majohg so got no choice but to ps us. actually i was really damm pissed off lei. but i noe that no matter how angry i am also cannot change the fact that he won't be joining us. so in the end i just went to find ling and sl to slack and find something to do for the night. but it was quite a boring night. haiiss. but darren did called quite a few time to ask where are we, who are we with and what we are doing. he seems very apologetic and concern for us. actually at that time, i wasn't that angry le but don't know why i just feel so pissed cause of some hidden reasons. well, i can't guess what the truth la. haiiss. then i did text darren cause i was at that time quite pissed off. but he replied me as in he said to me, i've already apologised to you guys why must we make our friendsip so fragile and why must we give him that kinda fucking attitude. so i replied him that is you that causes our friendship to be so fragile. but still, in the end we both decided not to quarrel over this issue le. but till now he didn't text me nor reply my msg. i feel so lost and confused by the lies which seems to be the truth. haiiss. i don't know what i should do to calm my uneased heart. maybe only he know the truth but not me. haiiss.

falling out of element.

2009-07-04T03:40:00.000-07:00

today, when i woke up, i felt so helpless and lifeless. don't know why i feel that i'm falling deeper into a confusion state. a state that i don't know why are my emotions overtaking my happy mood. i just can't help it. i keep telling myself that is pointless thinking of what gonna hurt or what gonna be happy. just like regardless is it a truth or lie. it shouldn't really bother me. but still, i just can't take it easy on myself. trying and searching for the true answer to my confusing heart. maybe is my foolishness to brood over it for too long. i guess i'm not brave enough to take up the courage to know that all is a lie. a beautiful lie that round up the ugly truth. i feel so unhappy and confused. cause i got to choose between her answer and his answer to believe the truth. but seriously, it take me great pains to realise that nothing is true, only lies. i don't wanna go think about who is telling me the truth le. i just want to be alone and think nothing. sounds emo. but shall not drag on. haiiss.

shattered glasses is my heart.

2009-07-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

it's been quite some time since i last blogged. today i got a mixed up feeling. don't know why are my tears flowing unsteadily. i just feel so lost and no strength. many a times ling told me that crying don't help even if i feel so lousy. but sometimes i saw her crying too then, i'll ask her the same thing does crying help, she just keep silent and let her tears flows. maybe is just human nature that we do cry at times when things ain't going smoothly for us. i keep telling myself that if i don't cry, i will feel more worse and terrible keeping all my mixed feeling in me. but when i cry, my tears ain't flowing steadily. like is so hard to cry out. today when i was out with ling, qin and sl, we played bowling, then i lost. and i just feel like crying suddenly. don't know why but cause recently my feeling got mixed up and at the verge of breaking down i cried when we were eating pasta mania. then they all tried to cheer me up, but i just feel so sad and i don't know why only a few drops of tears flow. but still, feeling down, so ling and qin ask sl to call me lai lai to cheer me up. sounds weird. but when sl call me lai lai, i started laughing cause qin started laughing then i got influnence by her laughter. but as times goes by, when we go singing at teo heng, i sang the song i always sing with ling, and truly sad song touches a broken heart, i did cried but just that few precious drops. i really feel so stressed up by my confusions and heart cracks. maybe i'm running away from reality, the fact to face my situation bravely, but i just can't take up the courage. i thought i could learn to be stronger but my broken heart is pulling me down to the point whereby, i can't take it anymore. i really want to make myself feel numbless. so that i don't brood over the pain or maybe just fall into unconsious state. i hope soon, i can be strong, stay happy, move on and be independent. i don't wish to fall back into my past where hurts overtake and my life seems so lifeless and meaningless. i guess i can take it hard so that whatever i'm gonna face in future will allow me to face it strong and brave. though it's gonna be a hard fight but i guess i can face it better than before. alright la. during these times of cries and pains, i'm glad that my friends are there for me. they really means alot to me. love you gfs and guys. shall not drag on le, sounds moody and blue le. take care my beloved friends.

cries and cries. tears after tears.

2009-05-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

i finally realised that i was not that important to those around me. is just like that i'm by coincidenc appeared in their life. am i disrupting their life or entertainting them? i feel so lost and confused all of a sudden, i dont see my purpose being in the midst of them. feel like so extra. though often i tell myself not to think negatively, but i just cant sort out this confusing thoughts. maybe i'm just not strong enough to pull this through or i'm just too weak to fight for my exsistence. many a times, i cried over this feeling, and fell into deep confusion. i wondered if i have ever really tried my best to make myself feel worth infront of them. well, i was really a fool. i didnt do well in proving my worth so i ended in a struggle. maybe i back out last minute, afraid of loing what i have now. haiiss. to my family memebers, i'm just another meember to them someone who is here and is to be ask when needed. to my friends, i'm just another stranger who appears to be rich and seems to be so extra. only when i'm needed then they will find me. i really feel so troubled by all my unsured feelings. am i suppose to confirm all these or pretend it never exsist? why do i feel so hurt? ain't i'm suppose to feel happy that at least i'm of worth to be used? tangled of fears and tears come in heavy blow. and i just cant take it. no matter how much i tried to hide these i just feel that i cant take it anymore. maybe is time i really settle down and seriously make a firm decision between friends, family and studies. well, i'm not too sure if i can bear these hurts if i choose my studies instead? cause i'm afraid of losing them but if i choose them, will it be my right choice? what should i do that is right? God knows?

love is hate and its hurts.

2009-03-10T04:47:00.000-07:00

Today, i have a mixture of sad feeling. don't know why it hurts till my tears are at the verge of flowing yet hard to cry out. many things happened this year and i'm still hanging on. trying my best to find a way to hide these emotions and bad feeling. maybe my foolishness had past me once again but i know that no matter how i tried to hide, its all a failure. in the past i used to be very disobident and naughty, always doing the opposite of what my parents and relatives wanted me to be or do. and i always never failed to get their attention and always kanna scolding. soon, they lost their trust in me and i no this won't work anymore. as times go by, i realised that i need to change for the better and work for the better. but no matter how hard i tried, all turns out to be another hurtful experience. when i look at back at the times when i fight to do my way, i struggled alot. thought those times were hard and painful, but i realised it was worthwhile. yet now when i starting to learn to be guai, trying to be a better gal, it seems to be worse for me. even if i tried to defence myself, no one seems to care or believe. even today i was accused of something i didn't do but no matter how i tried to defence for myself, i was sentenced to be gulity. i really don't know if i should learn to be good. when i was bad i always kanna scolding but when i was learninbg to be good i was identified as bad too. also kanna scolding. it took me great courage to change for a better yet was not given a chance. i really feel so stressed up. all the surrounding seems to be lying to me, they seems to be hating me for things which i didn't do. though they always say that they love me yet their actions only shows that they hate me. if this is what they call love then i would rathere not be love. to me this love is like an expired can, onmce the date is due, is being thrown away. can never be replace by a new one cause is no longer the same taste. sometimes, i really hate myself for not being the right gal for them. they always say i gonly give them troubles and i'm just a trouble to them. even if i were to be gone they will still think that i'm a trouble to be get rid. i do not know what is the point of changing for the better, even if i were to change cause for myself but still, it will only bring hurt to me. an unbearable hurt to bear. times i thoght if i were to be gone will it better for those around me, so that they can stop hating me. when i think of how much they used declared they love me it only make me resent it even more. when they scold me and awhile later they comfort me, it just badly hurt and i'm really hurt. every time i fall and try to pick myself up, i just feel so tired and wanted to be left alone there. don't wanna get push to the ground painfully again. each time i bleed and i leave those drop of blood back behind my footsteps, i feel those pain haunting me down the rest of my life. when i recall the past, it remind me of how fearful can one say love and its a painful lie. something which is meant to be beautiful, but shattered into pieces of flakes. i don't know what i should do now. facing all these brings me tearful smiles and painful memories. if i can love i will never want to love again. i don't want to hear these scary lies again. if i can lost all my memories, i would only want to remember what is hate and how to hate. cause nothing makes my heart feel secure and happy. lies and promises are hopes that are unrelistic. fake smiles and horrifying love are a fatal blow to a fragile heart. all are withering and my heart beat is stopping for the last cries. living in a world captured by darkness. if i can go back to time i want to die at the day of my operation and end all these lies of fanasty. now even if i change its no longer my best, cause even crying is my fault, even all that i do is wrong. this time i should really let go and not cling onto it. cause it only bring hurts and pain to those around me and myself. do i still have the right to cry. all even faults are at me. love is just hate to be detest. truly sorry to let those who love me down. my sorries are insincere too. ?

Remembering You Always

2008-05-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

Dear grandma you had left me for 709 days already. Times really passed. I do not know why today I cried so badly. I really felt so lost in your eyes. I can’t describe this unbearable pain in my heart. I don’t know where to pick myself up from the falling point. I been through the places where your footsteps had been. Going through all the emotions you been through before. Many a times, I told myself that there no point carry on this way, cause I can’t never had you back in my life. I really felt so lost without you. Ever since you left me, I know that I got to be brave. Do you know I really miss those days you were still with me. I felt the warmth of your hand when I hold you, the sadness in your eyes. Can it be possible for me to hold you once again in my dream? Even if it is going to be just a dream, I will feel contented. I really wished that at times, all that never took place. I know I’m selfish, but love is indeed selfish. I tried to forget you, but I really can’t walk out of the past. The fear of losing you had overwhelmed my courage to face the reality. Will all this come to pass? When I believe in miracle, I know the Lord had already given me more than enough. I’m so blessed that God had given me you. For you once loved me. Those years, whereby, I get to have you everyday, but never truly appreciates and cherish you. Only when you’re gone, the piece inside my heart is missing you. I counted the steps you took when you walk away, the days you left. The clothes you left behind smelled the same. Everything you left behind remained the same. I look upon the heaven and wondered about the stars to see if you’re there. Looking back, I realised that you had always been there, regardless if you’re alive or not. Well. I prayed that all will be fine and that my love for you never change.

for the lost heart

2007-12-28T09:43:00.000-08:00

now

12 its hurt hen when your love door shuts
you never knew the pain i carry in me
nor the tears i cried that was so real
13 its hurt when your love strays afar
you never knew the pain i bear so strong
nor the tears i dropped that was so red
14 its hurt when your love is for the another one
you never knew the pain i suffer in silence
nor the tears i hide that was so almost overflowing

end

15 i hate myself for losing you
letting you go ain't easy
bearing the pain and hurt
for the lost of your departure
giving me the discourage feel
allowing myself to put it to an end
forgiving the past ain't easy
bring forth the presence to be happy
faking a smaile to laugh than to cry
maybe just a cup of ice coffee
will calm down the emotions
that i used to hide from what
its seem the hardest to be done
tell me that all are a fairytales
i hate myself for missing you

frenship+lovveship

2007-10-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

i reali appreciate de time we spent together as a clique of frens for de past two days. dear dearest frens, eu all are such lovely, funky, cracky, bunch of frens, who can laugh, play, joke and haf funs altogether. i reali lovve eu peeps lots. spending times wid eu peeps are an enjoyable nite and day spent. we laugh lky some ah siao, tok lky some ah ma, joke lky some gi la, serious chat lky some smartiiee freaks.

wondering sometimes, if we do realise tat we are actuali doing tink tat we want to enjoy de proccess more den de ending of it. well, i guess, eu peeps are reali true frens who can haf lots of craziness together. i nvr once thot tat i wud be so pai kia, hehe :) i reali haf lots of funs when i ton wid eu peeps and when we rot, slp, play, watch tv, chattiin, so super shiok. cuz we are frens. thankss lots. will rmrb de days and times we had together. lovveship will bring our frenship through all obstacles. we rock and roll de world. frenship=10x10000lovve. take acre peeps. lovve lots. miss ya. see yeah:)

i'm so foolish..

2007-10-05T11:32:00.000-07:00

i guess i'm being a foolish gal in tis earth. for i used to tink giving more is better den i recieve more. but now i finally realised tat it was all my stupidily way of illusions. i thot tat by giving in to popl around mii is a blessings to others and doing gd to myself. well, i guess, i was thinking wrongly, i've been giving ore den i can afford le. i alwayss enjoy scraficing myself for others, treating them to diff meals, and buying things for them. i thot i was being generous, kind and friendly.

but i didn't noe tat it doesn't pay gd to be so gd. they took it for granted, not appreciating wad i've done to give them the happiness i can't haf. i feel reali very tired being a super gd gal. i wud rather be a bad gal from now onwards. for wadeva i've done so far, had make mii live life even more miserable. i reali thot being a gd gal can live life better, but never to noe, to my horror, it was never too gd. well, i guess, i was reali super toot, retard to realise tat i've been use of my kindness. i alwayss tell myself not to bother even if they say thank-you or appreciate mii. but it hurts mii alots when i tried so hard to do my part, yet, popl repay mii tis way. i just don noe wad sud i do, to make myself felt in place wid tis world?

how sud i tell myself tat i sud put it all to an end? tis life of game is getting tiring each day pass. popl don see how wonderful or great eu are through ur apperance, they recognise eu by how generous and kind eu can offer to them. they are all fake popl. who oly wan to gain more benefit den to rmrb someone's kindness. i reali don noe why do i live life so torturous? trying to make those popl around mii so blessed, but yet to felt blessed myself? i reali meant to be gd to them, but they took advantage of wad i can afford. to realise tis when things are way too far to mend. i guess, my foolishness haf pass, and all lies haf been discovered. for nothing can hide under de light of a lonely shadow. no matter how hard all lies are trying hide from a fragile heart, is so impossible. there is a saying tat says: once eu sin a lie, eu goto find excuses to round up the next lie of a deciful heart. can't imagine i was a fool for years. gito wake up from nightmare. ending de life tat sud not be in tis manner. for i'm totally lost in de wilderness. tears overflowing. heart bleeding.

Missing You Alwayss..

2007-10-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

I thought she will make it. I know she has been suffering for quite a long period of time. But still I can’t bear to let go of her. She has always been with us through all difficulties. Those times we need her badly, she will be there. But now she gone, I really don’t know what to do. I used to tell myself don’t care what will others say about me. No matter how poor my studies is, I will remind myself that though it is so but my purpose of fighting this life of mine is for the sake of my grandma. Because she is the one who paid for all my educational fees. Without her financial help, I wouldn’t have learned so many things in this world.

I would not even know what is the basic abc. I really want her back in my life. I can’t afford to live without her, is not for the sake of her money. But is for the sake of her precious love she cares upon me and my sister. I do not know my purpose of living now, cause she is gone in my eyes forever. I am afraid to go through this again, because 2 years back, someone who also truly love and cares for me pass away too. They are the only two person in this world who truly love me with their whole heart. I don’t wish to experience this unbearable pain and hurt again.

I knew she was bearing all the suffering in her, and if she will to go to Jesus after her death, it will be a release for her. But as for me and the rest will all feel extremely pain and hurt. I don’t wanna say goodbye to her. Cause, if I say goodbye to her, I will never have the chance to talk to her anymore. I even told myself that I learn how to say a few words of Techow and communicate with her. Yesterday when I heard she pass away, I really can’t believe what I heard. But as confirm by my uncle, at that moment I paused and cried my soul out. I really wish I can immediately run to her and hug her or even just hold her hands. I will feel contented and that I know she can feel my presence with her.

I even planned that I will go to the hospital to visit her straight after school, but then it was all too late already. I regretted not saying thank you and sorry to her. I really want her to be by my side till I grow up as an adult. I thought I could be able to cherish her for a longer time. But time don’t give in. Sorry grandma, I love you forever, I will miss you always. Peace be with you as you leave this world.

Thamkss Beloved gal.frens..

2007-09-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

i lovve eu peeps lots lots. inspite, of ur busy days, eu all still came and celebrate my birthday. i did enjoyed myself and appreciate wad eu all had done. especially tian qin my close fren, de cake eu bake was super delicious and full of sweetness. i super lovve de great choc taste. thankss ah. hehe..oso evania and shu min for their presence. they did make yesterday an enjoyable day. all fun, joy, laughter, and tears light up yesterday treat at seoul garden. ya. i noe yesterday someone heart break, but don cry anymore, cheer up, okie?

den someone say a dirty joke to add on to the atmosphere. it was so lame, tat none of us can guess de ans. lol..but was kinda diaox..den someone was kinda anticipating wad's going to happen next. but got a kid ah, don noe how to eatv properly, kanna de table look so messy and dirty. i guess i was de oly normal one. acting normally. hehe..but i guess, i was kinda bleeding in my pocket. cuz' shagg..my dear dear frens, pls help mii by saving my pocket. thankss eh. wad a splendor yesterday to hang out wid eu peeps. after such a long period of break off frm ex-skool. i'm glad to hear tat eu peeps are doing fine, but still got one who is not doing so gd for de time being. hopefully she ne okie soon. there's alwayy a rainbow after de rain. may all my wishes come true. hope eu peeps do enjoyed urself yesterday. though it was a limited spendthrift day. wud lky to give eu peeps a big hug and kisses to reali thankss eu all. gals, such a surprise to see eu all once again on my birth date. lovely smiles and sweet thots melted my heart. i won foget tis special day tat i experienced. for it wud be a memorable date as i past 16 and heading for a new brand start of 17. may all de blessings i recieved, pass it on to eu all. and i lovve and misses eu peeps. take care:)

Wishing You Always

2007-09-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

I really misses you grandma, where have you been so far? Which part of Heaven are you in now? Are you enjoying yourselves up there? I do not know why I still misses you badly. I guess I still can’t get over your loss. Maybe my heart is so burden. I thought I could be very brave to face all that I’ve been through so far. Going through all the needles pain, the in-out stitches, the operation fears, the vomiting of pain, the unbearable pain and hurts I endure. I guess it can’t be compare to the suffering you been through.

I never knew how it is like to go through all these, but I finally tasted it myself. I realised that I wasn’t as brave as you were. I never ever heard you complained about the suffering, those needles pain. But I know I can never be like you to endure the pains in silence. I wanted to be brave as you taught me to, before I went for my operation, but I really can’t. I don want to face it all alone. I know your presence were with me throughout the operation. Thanks lots. I really appreciate and love you, grandma. I have a request to ask of you, will you be back to celebrate my birthday with me? Do you still remember the day I was born? Will you keep me accompany on my birth date?

I wanted so much for you to be with me, for only in your eyes I can see your love and cares for me. In your eyes, I can see how much worries you carried. Only in your eyes, I can feel that I belong to you and this world. But now I can't see your eyes anymore. I am afraid to bring it to pass. For I know I’m not that brave to do it all alone. For in the eyes of my parents, I can’t feel the special cares you gave me. Do you know you are my pairs of eyes, my pairs of hands, my pairs of legs. Because of you I managed to come so far, to where you want me to be. But when you’re gone, I felt that I do not belong to where I am now. You are the reasons why I choose to fight the long suffering hurts I been through.

I really need you, oh dearest grandma. I wished for a wishing star in the sky, so that i can see you once again. You are my angel, my guardian angel up above the sky. in the night i wished for your appearance, your presence to light up my darkness night, oh dearest grandma. There is this saying that says: [there is a straight line ahead of you if you see things beyond superficially, and the rope you standing on the straight line won’t snap.] I believe you are my straight line. For in you I can see my life being loved by you. I love you always.

life's so fragile..

2007-07-22T00:47:00.001-07:00

life wasn't that easy to get by. iwas kinda struggling and suffering for the past 2 months. in and out of hospital was my worse s'pore visitation. it was lky a bad nightmare that will haunt mii for lifetime to go. didn't reali lky it. cuz' it ruined my june holis and grounded mii for homesick for abt a month. finally, i'm at the recovering stage. got a chance to say gdbye to the hell lky days.

it was terrifying to face this all alone. when, i noe that life is reaching the end soon, but yet, save frm the hell door. luckily i didn't say gdbye to the world, cuz' i haf yet to accomplish anything. i wud lky to live my life to the fullest. it was reali a big pushiment for mii to realise that life can be that fragile. it reali scared the wits out of mii. can't imagine how much pain i suffered frm tis incident.

but iwas gald i got 2 aunts ho are willing to stay by mii those days, i was in great pain. i felt very blessed that they both actuali cares so much for mii. if not for my aunt, i wud haf died frm the illness. forunately, i had her, who took mii into hospital in the nick of time. i managed to surived from tis scary incident. i believe those horrible dyas will be over soon. iw ud not nd to suffer frm it anymore. and i can get back my freedom. reali wish is all blown over.

to share something throughout my that treatment of pain and hurts. i reali thot that nothing so big fro mii to handle, till i realise i actuali got appendix. and it actuali burst. at the moment of waiting at the ward, waiting to be push into operation rm, i was so afraid, shivering in great pain. but at that moment, i felt that my grandma was back wid mii, she held my hand and told mii to be brave. everything gonna be fine, she will be wid mii throughout the operation proccess.

i was so happy to noe tat she is wid mii through all tis, even though she just left mii a few months back. looking back now as far as i haf come through, i couldn't imagine wad i had bn through, wad i haf lost and wad i haf gain. though it seem lky a long proccess, but i felt my grandma presence wid mii. even though is till do not understand why God put mii through all tis great trails, but one thing for sure, i had experienced those pain, suffering and terrifying nightmare, my grandma been through. though she gone and had left mii, but i noe she had bn watching over mii.

thank eu grandma for being my gurdian angel during tis past months. wifout eu by my side, i afraid i was not gonna pull through. truly grateful to those who lovved mii and cares for mii during that period of pains. it wud haf bn worse for mii if no one even bother abt mii or maybe even my life. praise be to God, who had saved mii frm de hell door, who had continue to healed mii and blessed mii. all lovve and credit goes to the almighty king and to my beloved aunts. lovve lots, lydia. end here.

2007-06-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

welcome to my new blog =)